Blithering Idjit

2006-04-10T11:08:00.000-07:00

Hi, it's me!You know, ME!How could you not know who's calling when it's the most important person in the world?!! It's ME!Sheesh, you act like you want me to say who I am when I call.

2002-09-08T02:38:00.000-07:00

I must thank all of you for reading my T-shirt aloud - I of course did not have time to read it when I was acquiring the shirt, and without you, I would not have known what words were emblazoned upon my chest. Thank you thank you thank you!

2002-03-21T10:19:00.000-08:00

I saw that our web person uses
for a line break. So I went in and changed all her paragraph tags so they'd be like that, too --

. But then she told me that her original code was right. At first I thought she might be upset about that, but it turns out that she's actually upset about the fact that I used a non-existent URL in a marketing piece sent to thousands of people today. My

2002-03-13T10:23:00.000-08:00

I make widgets. At one point, there's an intricate bit I must do by hand. I was hired specifically to handle things like this. But I'm bored with it and want it to be automated. So I've asked our systems team to automate it for me. It will take three very expensive consultants a lot of time to do this, probably more than it would take me to just do the work by hand. But automation is good,

2002-03-12T07:37:00.000-08:00

In a recent heavy Bay Area rainstorm, 100% of the vehicles going 15 mph or more over the limit were SUVs and minivans. We conclude that the really great drivers now prefer vehicles with a higher center of gravity, as a greater challenge. The vehicle will break traction sooner than a lower-slung car, requiring a more sensitive hand on the steering and a "savvier" foot on the brakes.

2002-02-20T13:29:00.000-08:00

A real email message I sent today: Dear Company.com Employee, I was attempting to register an attendee for the Technology Conference. However, when I entered the credit card information, I received a message that said, "We're sorry, we were unable to process your order. Please contact us at email@company.com to resolve the problem. As I do not know who I should contact to resolve this

2002-01-07T16:55:00.000-08:00

I'm so confused. They say to do it this new and easier way now, and not the old way. But we did it differently before. So now there are TWO ways. So how should I do it now? Why do they have to make everything so difficult?

2001-12-06T16:51:00.000-08:00

She said to just send an email with more details to her, and she'd look into the problem. That was such a great idea that I sent it to twelve people. Now maybe they'll all look into it!

2001-11-30T08:37:00.000-08:00

Hurray! I love the holiday season because it means I don't have to work so hard to pay attention while driving. Yessiree, the lord sent his only son to earth at Christmas time so I could shop and not worry about obeying traffic rules.

2001-11-26T16:54:00.000-08:00

I'm partial to sending forwarded attachments as forwarded attachments. My friends get a message that contains a message that contains a message that contains . . . Like those smaller and smalller Russian dolls. My friends must LOVE to get these email messages within messages - I imaging their mounting suspense as they open one attached email after another, looking for the "punch line"...

2001-11-21T10:05:00.000-08:00

My comments are very important. That's why I always use "Reply All" when responding to email messages.

2001-11-15T10:02:00.000-08:00

Meetings always start late anyhow, so I'm just going to plan to show up ten minutes late.

2001-11-15T10:01:00.000-08:00

The form says to enter /onlamp/excerpt/BOOK_CHAPTER/index.html as the filename, so that's what I'll do. I know they want me to substitute actual information for the capitalized items, but it doesn't SAY that, so I'm going to go ahead and make the mistake and keep quiet about it. Then I can feel smug about making more work for the person that made the form.

2001-11-14T08:21:00.000-08:00

I like to have meetings. I just say I'm going to have a meeting and give a brief subject like "PR for upcoming book". Then I send that email to EVERYONE so whoever wants to come can come. That way I don't leave anybody out. I don't specify any details about the goal of the meeting or indicate whose areas of responsibilities might get discussed, but it's not really necessary since the meeting

2001-11-01T09:08:00.000-08:00

"We will be taking a significantly cut in expenses..." "...it is our intent to have everything's done by Monday or Tuesday the latest..." "The key thing to remember is we are successful, we have built a nice company the problem is that in the past people **** convinced itself that it could be Siebel or Oracle, we spent that way, we hired that way, we invested that way, we obviously are not

2001-10-12T12:14:00.000-07:00

"Meanwhile, the chief of CBS said Thursday he's already been pitched a potential television series keyed to the Sept. 11 terrorist attacks: a romantic comedy about two people who lost spouses at the World Trade Center."

2001-10-11T09:12:00.000-07:00

My daughter and I found a duckling while we were out for a walk last spring. I want my daughter to learn all about wildlife, so we picked it up and took it home and raised it. Now it's old enough to fly, and has even escaped and flown around the neighborhood once. We took the duck to the local wildlife rehab clinic to ask if they would find a place to release it. I was really disappointed

2001-10-08T15:20:00.000-07:00

This email should have been sent to this other person. Please send your question to the other person instead of to me. "cc" line? What "cc" line?

2001-09-17T09:33:00.000-07:00

I trained my dog to be really mean and attack people. But then the stupid dog bombed bit me. Guess I'll have to put it down.

2001-08-20T10:45:00.000-07:00

Did you get that email from so-and-so? It's easier for me to walk down here and ask you than to look at the list of recipients on the CC line.

2001-07-12T08:56:00.000-07:00

I am very zen-like in my work. I remember to stay focused on the here-and-now. Thinking about the effects my decisions might have in the future would just add more complexity and difficulty to my day and might mar my cherished serenity.

2001-07-12T08:43:00.000-07:00

I'm a mover, I'm a shaker. I speak up, even when I have nothing interesting to say, so people don't forget I'm here and how important I am. I'm a player and I know how to handle difficult questions...confuse the issue by jumping off to a different topic and asking a completely unrelated question in return.

2001-06-29T09:49:00.000-07:00

Even though I kind of weenied out on serving in the military myself, I always like to show our armed forces proper respect by giving them a snappy salute.

2001-06-29T09:45:00.000-07:00

It's very important that you track the time you spend on projects accurately on your time sheet. If you work extra hours on weekends or holidays, be sure to include that. Oh, by the way, since this pay period ends on Sunday, please turn in your time sheet no later than end-of-day Friday so we can get them all done.

2001-06-29T09:42:00.000-07:00

I wish everyone would stop calling me. I posted fliers all over the neighborhood about our upcoming block party. We're setting it up exactly like last year, so why is everyone confused just because I didn't put the date on the flyer?

2001-06-29T09:40:00.000-07:00

I know I mentioned it on some AIM chats with someone, and I know I mentioned it in a meeting (but I can't remember if you were there or not). So it's not my fault if you didn't know.

2001-06-11T15:11:00.000-07:00

I always send lots of links around to people at work. It helps to make sure they're reminded of how much I know about our industry. It's easy, too...just address an email message to the entire group, and paste the link (or better yet, the entire web page) into an email message. It's really not necessary to do anything else...once they look at the forwarded site in detail, they'll figure out

2001-06-05T10:13:00.000-07:00

I actually saw some poor person using their turn signal in a parking lot the other day! They'll be really sorry when they wear those turn signals out. Everybody knows that you're supposed to go slow in a parking lot, so there's no need to signal your turns (unless you think someone's going to try to steal your parking space).

2001-06-05T10:08:00.000-07:00

I just love to work on little projects around the house, and I even own some rental properties to work on as a hobby. Sometimes it's hard to have all the supplies I need on hand, but I always have my ingenuity to rely on. One supply I make sure to have is plastic wall anchors. These are great...even if the screw I'm using is too large, it just bites into that nice soft plastic. I'm not sure

2001-05-29T10:08:00.000-07:00

Teamwork is very important to me. At my job, I spend a lot of time looking at the work of others in my department, and help them by suggesting changes or better ways they can do their job that will make mine easier. Unfortunately, my teammates just haven't learned to appreciate this (and they never even thank me for my advice!). They are very frustrating. Why can't we all just get along? It

2001-03-20T08:00:00.000-08:00

Of course I'm a busy little bee, showing homes and providing a useful service to potential home buyers and renters, so I don't always have time to return phone calls. And this is just my second job, so I really can't provide the kind of service you might expect as a potential home buyer or renter. And I don't really make much money on the rentals, so you're on the back burner anyway.

2001-03-15T14:06:00.000-08:00

You know, my aunt died from California's poor health care -- she had been misdiagnosed for two years before she died -- she had this cancer in her lung, and there was this fluid, and the doctors had diagnosed it as emphysema but it was pneumonia and she had been in there 17 times over the past two years, and I really don't trust the health care system in California because I know everything there

2001-03-15T08:55:00.000-08:00

It's good to touch base with people frequently. That's why I always follow-up on my e-mail messages with a phone call. I call and tell the person that I sent them the email, then explain the contents of that e-mail messages. Efficiency first, that's what I always say!Our company just merged with another one. You know how these corporate mergers work...anyhow, it turns out that we're just a

2001-02-12T08:15:00.000-08:00

It's a coming-of-age film about a troubled adolescent who finds friends, enemies, a girlfriend, and himself in the world of (choose one): a. inline-skating b. dirt-biking c. mountain-climbing d. ice-fishing e. bear-baiting f. other

2001-02-09T12:33:00.001-08:00

My weather's better than your weather.

2001-02-09T12:33:00.000-08:00

Hey, I got the coolest truck! Dodge Ram V-10 Cummins Turbo Diesel, with all the options, man!As soon as I took delivery, I got it lowered so there's less than six inches ground clearance. It looks SO rad! I had some groceries in the back. Had to remove 'em when I high-centered it on a speed bump...

2001-02-01T07:29:00.000-08:00

So, there's this California lawyer and a cowboy......So the cowboy kicks the lawyer three times, really hard, almost killing him, and then says "I give up."Haw haw! I love that joke.(And its true you know! Some times it does'nt take a colidge education to be wiser then some one with a colidege education. That farmer outsmarted the Calforina lawyer, even though

2001-01-30T07:28:00.000-08:00

"Love is children. The definition of love is children."yeah right, like those at Columbine...?"You know I speak the truth. That's what people like about me, no beating around the bush, just the truth. They might come in for a latte, but they come back because of my scintillating conversation. Isn't that right?"It's called 'opinion,' and I wish you'd keep it to yourself. I come for the latte,

2001-01-29T15:03:00.000-08:00

We're lucky to own a rental property, and I'm so proud of how I redecorated it after the last tenants moved out. The white carpet looks so pretty. Now we just have to wait for the prospective tenants to come calling. I checked the recording our property management firm created, and they did a great job in describing it...they even explained that we live right next door and that we want the new

2001-01-23T07:05:00.000-08:00

After a tough game of volleyball, I bring a lot of sand into the changing rooms and showers at the office. It's not really my job to clean it off the chair, much less the floor, is it?

2001-01-16T09:33:00.000-08:00

Though you make a hundred a day, my advice is: Never make the same latte twice.

2001-01-16T06:17:00.000-08:00

I bring a bit of joy into the world by whistling everywhere I go. I know my co-workers really appreciate it, because otherwise it's so very quiet in our office.

2001-01-08T09:02:00.000-08:00

Visit my other blogs: Englitch and Road Rash diaries!

2001-01-03T07:43:00.000-08:00

It's important to follow the driver ahead as closely as possible. That way, your headlights won't bother them.

2001-01-02T09:20:00.000-08:00

Hi! My name is- Ooh! My name is- Huh! My name is...I love music, and I am quite eclectic in my tastes - everything from Eminem to Ice-T. These guys really have something new to say; if you listen to their lyrics, what they say in their lyrics is new and different and unlike anything that's been said before, ever. It's unique and a departure from what musicians have said in the past, and nobody

2001-01-02T08:41:00.000-08:00

I love camping and "roughing it" in "the wild." I bring all of my friends, my boom box, and several bright lanterns, and it's just like home! When I choose a camp site, I try to find one that's as close as possible to other campers, so we can borrow a cup of sugar or something, if we need to.

2000-12-27T11:35:00.000-08:00

When I pull up to a stop light on a two-lane road, I think it's important to be as far away as possible from the car in the left lane. All those people who are waiting behind me to turn right should just hold their horses.

2000-12-26T13:26:00.000-08:00

Isn't it great how there are so many religions in the world? Protestants, Baptists, Presbyterias, Lutherans... But they all get along, and they all believe in Jesus our Lord!Can you image in the time before Christ when there was no religion? Like, before 1776?Hell must have been more crowded than a California jail.

2000-12-24T04:43:00.000-08:00

Why on earth do they make those compact parking spaces so small? Sometimes I can barely get out of the doors of my Ford Expedition because those other cars are so close.

2000-12-20T06:24:00.000-08:00

It's a good idea to pull over while using a cell phone and driving, but it can be so inconvenient. I discovered a great solution yesterday while going down the 55 mph stretch of Bodega Avenue. Just slow down to a safe speed (say, 30 mph or so) while you talk and drive with your car half on the berm, half on the road. This signals to the drivers behind you that you may have a reason for slowing

2000-12-18T08:00:00.000-08:00

I go to McDonald's twice a week, and there's always SO much to choose from on the menus, I have to stop at the register and figure out what I want. Of course, I always end up getting the same thing, but it takes me several minutes to find it. I don't know why people are so impatient.

2000-12-05T19:08:00.000-08:00

It's been such a frustrating week.First of all, I was out shopping at the mall. I brought little Timmy with me, but he's so independent and didn't want to be in his jumbo-stroller, so I let him out to roam the aisle while I perused the cosmetics. I made sure to stay right in the middle of the aisle so I could easily get to either side while I browsed. Unfortunately, there was this scary woman

2000-12-01T06:19:00.000-08:00

There's this one clerk at the grocery store - she is SO funny! Even though there are five people behind me in line and I'm only buying tothpaste and a candy bar, I can't help but stop and chat with her. Today, we were talking about love handles; she calls them 'hate handles' - that's just one example of how funny she is! I don't know why she's working at such a low-paying job, when it's pretty

2000-11-30T05:41:00.000-08:00

I consider myself pertty lucky to have children and pets that are so much smarter, more attractive, and talented than average.Of course, luck doesn't really have a lot to do with it. My wife and I, after all, are very smart, attractive, and intelligent.The government should pay us to raise bright children and animals.("Blithering" is brought to you by Son of Born Today - The Page That Wouldn't

2000-11-28T18:42:00.000-08:00

Traffic is so hectic while I'm trying to shop for Christmas decorations. To avoid accidents, I'm especially careful when turning corners. When I reach the middle of the intersection and am just diagonal, I stop a second time to make sure everything's ok. Good thing I do, too, because someone once rear-ended me just at that moment. Sometimes it takes me a little longer to get going again

2000-11-28T17:54:00.000-08:00

People are so weird. At the airport, I had to ride this escalator with all my carry-on luggage, but when I got to the top it was a whole new floor. I couldn't figure out what to do, so I had to just stand there for a minute. All these people kept coming up behind and running into me and tripping over my luggage and cursing and stuff. I don't know why they were so upset - couldn't they see I

2000-11-28T17:52:00.000-08:00

Went to the Post Office today. I don't know WHY people get so excited. I put a ten-dollar bill in the stamp machine, and then couldn't decide what stamps I wanted. They are very very confusing. A guy was waiting behind me, tapping his foot, then jiggling change, and finally whistling. Five minutes later, I chose the stamps I wanted and started out the door. The guy who was behind me was

2000-11-28T08:44:00.000-08:00

I also do "RoadRash Diaries," about riding my bike.This is where I'll put other stuff.